37/100 Aftermath

Last night, I was in line at a booth. I grabbed a wallet, and couldn’t decide which one was right for me. I asked the cashier for advice. The people behind me left, realizing that I had started a conversation. She wasn’t just any cashier. She was my creative writing teacher from 10th grade.

The wallet that I have now works just fine, but I keep wanting a new one, to fit a bigger bag. Then an outfit to match the new bag. Then a new hair, new pedicure, makeover, a new place to live. A new set of friends, social life..

8 months ago, I just packed two bags and left home. The aftermath of that decision, without putting my heart in it, is the misery I have created for myself. I have dug my own hole. I have gained a new perspective, after having been lowered from the clouds. I do not like what I see.

I never planned for reality, and lived in a fantasy to protect myself and delay seeing the truth. I did not know what I did not know. Especially about myself.

Always afraid to commit and go all the way until I make something out of it. I only acted, because I wanted to be a “doer,” but the price you pay for only doing half of the work, not including the planning, is that you jump in thinking that everything will be sorted out. See, that’s an imaginary field that exists in your mind, so when you jump in, you will hit the ground.

Twice in a row, I was given the same message. Maybe three.

“If you don’t make the best out of what you already have, and try your best at where you are now, it will be hard to succeed where ever you escape to.

Having people you can trust and building relationships is crucial to get to where you want to go. This requires giving trust.”

People are not born with qualities that will take them far. You cannot be spoon fed with ego. Success in your own terms. It takes hard work to be proud of your work.

Maybe I didn’t want a wallet. Maybe at the check out line is where I realize that I don’t need one. I just wanted to talk to my old teacher and ask her something. Ask myself a question. I am still too afraid to answer my own question.

At this point, I am given an answer. I am in a merry-go-round of my swaying heart and mind. There are definites, however, and that’s the deadline and limit of time in my hands.

When I do things I enjoy, the time I pay seems worth the investment. When I am investing time in things that are necessary, I start questioning everything. Everything requires dedication, no matter what field it is. There will be something you do not like doing as you walk the long road holding its hand. Let hardship be the only struggle, however. Not regrets of wondering about the other roads and not taking those instead. Let hardship be the only struggle you face as you walk this path. Drink lots of water and sleep.



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