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My heart is not here. What does my heart want?

This morning when I woke up, I again felt emptiness. I weighed myself after a shower, and wanted to have coffee, the one thing I look forward to when I awake. In the mirror, I saw a puffy face ridden with breakouts. I should get some toner pads, I thought.

After browsing on amazon, I realized that it’s unnecessary. I had 45$ remaining on a gift card balance. I wanted to make my skin better, so placed cotton pads to use with my toner. I wore a dress today because the yoga pants are not comfortable. I placed some overpriced loungewear set in my cart. I thought about the use of the goods when I will have to move again. No day in my life is decided.

I was surprised with a pancake breakfast and a cute rice dish. Watched a movie. Thought about having to wash the dishes. Couldn’t focus on the movie.

I wanted this, I needed this. I thought I needed to change and make it in tech. To be a successful career woman with a fancy college degree, great skin, research company, living in the city, some grand accomplishments and titles. I remember waking up at 4AM excited to go to the gym and exhausting myself. I was motivated, because this was my way to start building myself. Taking control of my body meant I have proof of mental strength, the grit and consistency that is needed for “success.”

I am always in between, always. Looking at what I should do, while my heart and feet are rooted in where I belong. They do not agree. I do not want to miss out on anything. I don’t want to be regarded as a failure. I don’t want the weight of being judged, being labeled as incompetent.

Today, on Halloween of 2021, I am in a different city. I still feel alone, lost, but also very uncomfortable. It’s like shopping on amazon. I don’t have to buy anything, but it suggests. I need this, that, and that I cannot afford it. When the package finally arrives, the quality is so bad and you regret the purchase after using it for a while. You buy things because you wasted so much time browsing, you want to get something out of it.

You could simply eat healthier and get clear skin so you don’t need the toner pads. You could also just exit out of the browser and start a minimalist lifestyle in a secluded area. Not go out, not see anyone, not spend money. Make friends with animals in the park, grow your own potatoes. Get rid of your phone, walk barefoot. Never pay for a haircut. Not shave. No need for internet. Learn to survive on an island. It’s possible.

Anything in life, if we get carried away with suggestions and making ourselves feel the need for things that we cannot afford or what we do not have already, we will feel empty and trapped.

No. Do I need all the things that I keep telling myself that I need because I want them? No. The solutions I found only pushed my back even further. I did learn, that because of the care I put into working out, people were nicer to me. That was about it. Celery is not worth giving up pie. I like creamer in coffee. I love ice cream and chips with netflix. When I eat, I like going all in. I hate the word “balanced diet.” It’s fasting or all-you-can eat marathon. No half and half. Just pick one.

When you are this lost, you end up chasing things just to escape facing the fact that you are lost. You want to find yourself, but you are looking for yourself in a place you don’t already exist. With time, you then only become a part of a place with your footprints. Not by choice.

As human beings, we have the right to pursue happiness. Everything we do is a choice. The people we meet, the jobs we take, the things we buy and the food that we eat. Do we just do things for the sake of doing? Have I still not grown up enough?

When I opened up my laptop, I saw my assignment from yesterday and the Medium homepage. Something about the “should know” about the “new thing” or technology.

I remember being comfortable in my own skin. I was the one to have said the body is your fashion; you don’t need fancy things. I ended up buying so much gym clothes and running shoes in order to find some joy in the sweaty, stinky gym I went for four hours a day. Just because I couldn’t stand being home. I couldn’t stand my mind questioning where to go every second, so I just did physical work. I exhausted myself and then went to bed. Repeated the mundane process everyday.

When I had some savings, I booked a flight to random places. I drove a lot, too. Sometimes with my dog as my company. I kept running until I couldn’t. Looked forward to the next race.

All the things I bought, the things I spent time on, ended up being wasted in the end. It was to fill a void. I should’ve done more things to answer the void, and face the void. The things that stayed were some photos and memories. Those two have a faint memory.

When you look at the mirror, it’s only a distorted image. You must show yourself and learn how to look. Don’t get lost in the presentation. Focus on knowing your place, and make peace. Carve yourself an identity, something you don’t have to throw out when you move. So I write a story as I keep on moving.

Just proved with my own writing on how lost I am. I tried to fix here and there so much that I forgot what the subject is. What am I trying to say? Why am I writing in the first place? I get anxious that I think too much. I overanalyze within myself, I forget to take in input and move on. I am only moving, but not reaching anywhere.

At least now, I can keep track of my thoughts and not have random scribbly bullet points in ten different journals everywhere. This is a start. One day, it will be a complete book, with a beginning, middle and an end. Then I will write another one.

Decisions and organization. Doing something without these two just becomes time consuming labor, without much valuable output. There are certain characteristics that lead to success, but understanding it takes hard work. Just because you read about someone’s success story or the 7 habits of effective people doesn’t mean you will become one of them. You also don’t have to cut off everything in the world or move somewhere completely different. Change takes place within, and you must choose to stick with your decisions like a boss.

What will I do with this kid inside my brain? It asks me everyday why I am the way I am.

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